BLUEPRINTS

I Am. To Be. She Is. We Are.

By Design I am Easily & Often Excited: If you have me as a buddy on your Google Talk or AIM then chances are that you've received a random message from me at some point in time that is either in all CAPS, or ends with a lot of exclamation points, or both. I get excited easily about 'big' and 'small' things and feel the need to share it with everyone and sometimes anyone. I make a terrible poker player as I find it painfully difficult to keep from smiling when I am dealt a nice hand. Instant bake Christmas inspired shaped cookies in early November have caused me to jump up and down in the aisle at the grocery store. Easily Excited...this I am.

By Design I Often Feel Cold: She wears tank tops and leaves the house without a jacket, I'm in sleeves and am never without an extra layer. She fans herself in the car with the air conditioner on full blast in front of her, I let the heat from the sun seep deep into the car seats. She'd rather be too cold than too hot, I'd rather be sweating than shivering. She owns a total of 5 pairs of socks, my sock possession ranges from cows, to stripes, to argyle. Often Cold...this I feel.

By Design I Remember Things: I know when it was that we first met. I also know where, how, and in what context it was in. Most likely, I can recall what you, I, and even those around us were wearing. Through conversations and interactions, I know what you like and don't like. I know this may make me seem like a stalker, but I'm not. I remember things without having to try. It seems I am well-connected with an expansive social network. In truth, it is mostly my memory that connects me with and to others as many of the people I know probably have no recollection of me. My observations stay with me. There may not be an initial deep connection, but over the course of time the observations in my memory help me build a sustainable connection. Remember Things...this I do.

By Design I am Complex: I think all the time. I analyze a lot. I look for answers and solutions to most things...almost everything and when I can't find one, I go on long runs to work it all out as though the miles I put on my feet will miraculously shed light on the very things I am thinking about. At times, I find myself stopping after 12 miles saying to myself, "Freak, it's STILL all so complicated ". I always thought there was something wrong with me and that I needed to fix myself because it's not good to be complex. 'No one wants to be around a complicated person', I told Pastor Min. He told me that I was indeed complex, 'but so is my wife...and I love her for the fact that she is as complicated as she is...otherwise, she wouldn't be my wife. You do think deeply and your thoughts are the source of your complexity, but your complexity doesn't need to be fixed or changed, it's the way you see it, your refusal to accept yourself as is that needs changing.' Complex...this I am.

By Design I am Self Aware: I am good at identifying the problem but not so good at solving it. I seem to always know what I don't want but don't quite know what I want, and with time it appears that knocking out what I don't want still leaves me with Google plex minus one options. I flight rather than fight and need those around me to push my limits even though I get scared easily and try to run away on instinct. I like hot chocolate, it makes me feel better about things. I like to think that it is the way to my heart. At times, I think I am better online than in person because it feels safer to me. I get nervous easily and either get real quiet or real talkative. Like the rest of the human race, I have the intertwining concentric emotional and logical minds and tend to air on the far end of the logical. It is my hope to find myself inbetween at what they call the 'wise mind'. It is not that I can't or don't feel a lot of things, but rather that I feel most things rather intensely and then just don't know what to do with all of it. I run long distances because I like to and take baby steps through life because I have to. And with all this self-awareness, I'm seeing that the key to solving the problem, finding what you want, choosing to fight rather than flight, being present, feeling at ease, attaining the 'wise mind' is that you just have to be okay with who and what you are.