I won't lie. I'm not a big fan of the holiday season. The holidays have always been difficult for me. Perhaps because for me, rather than being a season of hope and spirit, the holidays remind me that I have regrets. Every year around this time I wrestle with what's supposed to be behind me in hopes that I can go into the New Year leaving them as what they really are...something of the past. I find myself wishing that I could start all over. At times, I wish I were someone else, a different person altogether and so I wrestle with myself, God, and the hand that I was dealt.
What I really want this year for Christmas is some perspective. I feel I'm getting to that age where I'm too old to have regrets and that I have to stop letting them haunt me because rather than pushing me forward, they just weigh me down. It's true, I can be complicated and I think too much. I long for simplicity because somewhere in the back of my mind, I think it's the key to making me happy. I'm all about change and so I try hard, really hard, sometimes too hard. I always think I can do more and that I can be better and so stretch myself to the point where I have hard time recognizing who I really am. It's a vicious cycle, one that I keep putting myself through.
For Christmas, all I really want is to be able to make peace with myself and God. I learned a long time ago that I'm not perfect and that I'll probably always find myself coming up short somewhere or another. Even still, I want to move forward and really believe that God will make up for the areas that I come up short and that it was never his intention for me to be able to foot the entire bill.
Let's leave the regrets behind for good this year.
