“I have heard it said that the longest journey in life is from the head to the heart. Another way to say the same thing is that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Yet another aphorism of our time is that beginning well is a momentary thing; finishing well is a lifelong thing. All of these point to one reality—our knowledge and our response are not always in keeping with each other.”
It has been a really hard two weeks for me. I’m the type to feel things intensely yet at the same time ignore such feelings. I rationalize and think because I don't want to make impulsive decisions and commitments. My close friends can easily attest to how I default to invoking logic to my decision making process before I'd ever consider my heart or gut. I think its because I’m aware of just how uncertain emotions can be and how they can be deceiving and so I’m extra cautious that I don’t act on my heart or gut about things. Instead, I try to make sense out of things and do what makes sense. I just get so worried that I would act foolishly or unwisely. Interestingly, this has been the most consistent critique I’ve received from my clinical supervisor at the hospital. “Grace, you’re a competent clinician but you need to trust your heart on things and put yourself out there during session. You hesitate or submit to convention a little too often.” It is definitely one of the markers of a master clinician they just seem to have a way of knowing.
In this case, I did just seem to have a way of knowing. I've known for over a year, but I just had a hard time trusting it. It was this strange feeling that had become all too familiar. It would often come during my 9 mile deliberations with God...back and forth, "is this the one? I want it to be. Please, I can't go back out there, please just let it be the one". It wasn't and I knew, but it was so hard to accept and when I finally realized, I felt like I was making the hardest decision of my life. I wanted it to be enough. I wanted to be okay with what I had and not want more, but I did want more. What I was most afraid of is that I would never be able to find "more" and so I wanted to be okay with enough. "It's good enough, please make me okay with good enough or please make this more".
I prayed so hard for the moment, and then it just kind of came...the conviction. I know I did the right thing. I know it was the right thing because it was so painful and the more painful it was, the more I knew it was the right thing. I really didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I know I was never made to just be okay with enough, but I think I just wished I was.
They say the first day is the hardest. I woke up kind of forgetting it happened, but then I remembered. So I spent my entire morning sitting in front of my very broken dissertation being very broken. I'd breathe, type a few lines, and then go back to being broken all over again. I know it's okay to be kind of a mess, but it just feels so painful...and the more painful, the more I know that it's the right thing.
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