To be honest, I'm not really sure what to write about or how to start. This whole starting over thing kind of sucks. I know it's the right thing, there's no doubt but I'm just not sure how to proceed with my life right now. I get sad from time to time, but I'm not devastated or breaking down. I didn't think I would be. I feel really lost. I had/have all these plans of moving forward, focusing on my dissertation, spending time in the Word, repairing my soul, but so far it seems I've been getting lost everywhere. I can't seem to get past the first few paragraphs of my dissertation because I keep getting lost in my thoughts. Ironically, I'm writing about rumination. If only, I could stop ruminating myself. I also keep getting lost in my Bible. I'm finding that reading the Bible is like writing a dissertation-there are so many chapters and sometimes I just stare at it and think "I just can't". I'm having a really hard time concentrating all around.
What's interesting is that at any given moment, I'm not really sure how I'll feel. This isn't because I don't feel anything at all, but more because I feel all sorts of things. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel regretful, I feel hopeful, I feel disappointed and discouraged, I feel okay and then it starts all over again. I guess it's an improvement from my last break up where I felt nothing for an entire month and then when I finally started feeling things, I was so scared that I just shut it all off...that manifested really well for the next few years. One thing is for sure, I feel loss-a strange void that won't go away. It feels like this huge part of me is missing and when I explore what it is, I know it's the part that I gave away. When you make a choice to love someone, you give a piece of yourself away and when things don't work out, you want that piece back, but you can't really get it back. There are so many moments when I wish I could just forget.
I sit with people almost everyday. I learn about their lives and I journey with them for the next few months not always by choice, but because I have to. Thus far in my career, I've lost two people. One I barely felt, the other I let myself grieve for because I walked with him for many months and then had the privilege of being there to the very last moments before he died. I don't know if I kept going because I had to or because I didn't really let myself experience the loss. Maybe I didn't give a piece of myself away. It's different taking in what people tell you rather than giving parts of yourself away like you do in a relationship. Some patients, I really do love and then there are those patients where I just can't because if I did, it'd be hard to do my job.
People say to take it one day at a time and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do what I need to get done, I'm trying to focus on God and the things He has for me in this life. I want to be better and I want to push through, but I confess there are a lot of moments when I just can't. Instead, I'll look for a distraction. I know He wants to help me feel whole again and fill my soul, but I confess that more often than not, I sit there and think "I just can't right now". I know it's the only place I can go and so I'll just keep trying because I know even when I can't, it's still okay.
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