Provoked

I don't really know where to begin. I've been sitting on my autobiographical statement for weeks, ruminating about it, dreaming about the themes I've considered exploring. I want it to be perfect, but I don't really know what to say or how to say it...especially in 500 words or less. I've written so many of these over the years that you'd think I'd be a pro at coming up with a solid statement. Quite the contrary, I seem to go through some sort of identity crisis every time I have to construct one. It's as though I suddenly don't know who I am, what I want to do, and what I've been doing the last couple of years. I think I'm just really tired & maybe burned out. I'll be honest, there are days where I catch myself imagining a life where I don't work and get to travel and indulge without having to worry about resources. In fact just the other day, my colleague and I were discussing the benefits of being a "trophy wife." I usually let myself think about this until reality slaps me in the face and my sensible side reminds me that the grass is always greener on the other side.
The thing is I've never been one to just settle for the comfortable life. My parents raised me to be independent and to value knowledge and hard work. By nature, I just happen to be this incredibly curious person who has a deep thirst for understanding how the world works. I'm genuinely interested in everything, well everything except for computer programming. I love learning and if time and money weren't an issue, I'd stay in school forever. I'm always up for a challenge and often wonder why it is I always choose the difficult path when I know it's so tiring. I have/had grand dreams of changing the world, making a real difference and not because I want a name for myself but because I really believe things can be better. This is a broad dream I know, but I hold onto it nonetheless. It helps me to continue believing in something bigger than myself and remember that I have a purpose greater than the day to day tasks I get to check off.
I was recently introduced to the word "provoked" in the context of feeling a deep calling for something. I thought the term accurately describes what I feel on a constant basis. Not to say that I'm angsty but rather that I'm always thinking about how things can be better especially for the marginalized. I'm currently working with a Hispanic 83 year-old woman whose daughter was left disabled after suffering a brain aneurysm and as I help navigate the health care system with and for them, I can't help but think that there has to be a better way of doing things. I often feel powerless and frustrated. I mean if I, a well-educated and resourceful individual, can't navigate the system, than how can the marginalized, the people who really need the system, to maneuver their way towards getting what they need. As a practitioner, I'm finding its hard to address individual concerns mainly because every problem is so personal and unique. At the end of the day, I am forced to settle for the fact that I can help get you what everyone else like you also gets, but I most likely cannot get you anything extra. This was rather disconcerting until I learned that I could also just listen and let myself feel something for your situation and in doing so, you know that I'm here and genuinely empathizing with you.
At one point, I wanted to be a lawyer. I thought being a lawyer would allow me to work on behalf of others. It was sort of a glamorous thought one where I'd get to fight for people who really needed to be fought for. I soon learned that this idealistic dream was largely based on what I had seen on the big screen...A Few Good Men to be exact. I still wonder about this abandoned dream of mine, but looking back, I'm confident my decision to become a psychologist was the right thing. It gives me that chance to go above and beyond. It gives me the opportunity to really care even if I know there's nothing I can really do. I know this is the right things for me, but I just wish I knew how it will all unfold...especially now as I'm trying to craft the best autobiographical statement possible.