My last annual just refused his psychological assessment. The 10 second meeting went something like this:
Me: Hi Mr. M, my name is Grace and I'm from psychology. I just have a few quick questions and you'll be all done
Patient: I don't believe in psychology, I think I'll pass.
Technically, he's not allowed to just pass on psychology. He needs to go through a complete annual evaluation with the Spinal Cord Injury physicians, social work, nursing, physical therapy, and psychology staff in order to continue having the VA pay for his pain medication, but since I don't like forcing anything on anyone, I respected his wishes. I'm not very good at being assertive when it comes to advocating for my own agenda...or in this case, the VA's agenda. Over the last few years, I've seen lots of people and somehow I've managed not to take anything personally and instead just shrug it off as "whatever, you do what you want".
Anyways, so since I have some extra time, I thought I'd take some time to write about my trip to Haiti. I've been back a little over and week and life has been pretty crazy since I got back last Monday and still continues to be. To be honest, I really miss Haiti...more than I thought I would which kind of surprises me. I'm not completely sure what I miss about it since I haven't really had time to process the whole experience. I mean it was hot...really hot and I didn't have much of an appetite the entire trip. Nevertheless, I really miss it. It was nice to not have to think about yourself all the time for a change. Part of me kind of wants to forgo the whole processing part because to be honest, I'm not really very good at feeling certain things. I've become better than I used to be, but the case still remains that I'm really good at thinking about things but not so much at feeling them. It seems I've become really good at not letting devastating things devastate me. In fact, I can't really recall when my heart was last wrecked by something.
So on the subject of being wrecked, I remember being really wrecked when I went to Bangkok in 2004 at an AIDS hospice where I got to hold a dying 3 year old girl in my arms. She was just about 1/2 dead and I don't think I could really handle whatever it was I was trying to handle. I remember having a really hard time with poverty in general even after I returned to the US, to the point where I had to look away whenever I passed a homeless person on the street. It was a conscious decision. I chose to look away and I feel like I've chosen to not let things wreck me anymore. In my early adulthood, I've come to realize that the middle road may just take a lifetime for me to find. It's safer to sit on one side and just think about the other...in depth and detail, but no matter how long or hard I let my mind wander over there, its still just a thought.
I like to think I've developed the skill to maintain a healthy distance from the pain I face on a daily basis, but I'm not really sure if it's skill, or just my unwillingness to really let myself feel involved. I'll admit that I wasn't all that involved emotionally while I was in Haiti. I was there to help and to serve and that's just what I did. I couldn't really speak with the natives and while I really wanted to hear each person's story, the language barrier and the numerous patients that needed to be triaged just didn't quite allow for it. Well, regardless I still miss it and kind of want to go back...
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