TIRED

"Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality, and it doesn't lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen." - Conaon O'Brien.

I'm doing okay. Something I realized is that I'm better and stronger this time around. It's true what they say, every experience changes you maybe not all at once or as fast as you'd like, but it does. I'm not angry or resentful. I still feel a little sad from time to time, but I never think "what if". I know it sounds cliche, but it's as though I've learned not to look back.

I've been wrestling a lot in the last few weeks...mainly with myself and also with God. I have trouble with disappointment. I've always had and I've never been able to master dealing with it properly. I usually just ignore it whether it be in the form of writing people off, convincing myself I have selective amnesia when in fact I know I have an impeccable memory, or pretending I just don't care when in fact I do. The truth is when I'm disappointed, I hurt and the hurt sinks deep into my soul. I try to bury it deep within hoping I'll forget about it or just get past it, but it's usually not the case. I recognize I hurt often and many times deeper than the average person mainly because I invest like crazy. It seems I'm incapable of investing just a little. I either give nothing or I give it all and then when I lose, I feel like I lose it all. Maybe this is why I don't gamble or play the stock market.

I've been trying to journal more. Today I wrote "Dear God, I'm tired". I am. When I look back at the last 2.5 years and the relationship, I just feel so exhausted. I gave so much. I went the whole 9 yards and back and though I know it wasn't a waste, I can't help but think "for what?" I took a mental snapshot of my life and suddenly, it was like all the disappointments were staring back at me. As much as I often don't want to admit it, I give a lot...friendships, academic pursuits, relationships. It's as though I just don't know how to not give 150% to the things I decide to give to. When I think back at how hard I've worked in and at life, I can't help but just feel tired and wonder "for what?" Sometimes, I wish I could just be one of those people who can just go with the flow, invest along the way, but I'm not. It's like everything I do needs to be deliberate and intentional and so I either go all in or fold before I even get to the starting line.

Dear God, I'm just so tired. I know I'm too young to feel so tired, but I really do. I'm so tired from always giving my whole heart, from always believing so much in things, from working so hard at things, from trying so hard at everything. My soul aches for You. Uproot the disappointment I've sown. Don't let the bitterness take ahold of me. Help me not to be so afraid to keep giving. You are faithful and have been my entire life...help me not to falter now and to continue having faith even though I feel weary. I want to be able to wake up daily and delight in the greatness of who You are. Please help me continue believing in great things...

Come to the water you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.

Come to the Father you who work and you'll work no more.

And all you who labor in vain, and to the broken and shamed...

Love is here

Love is now

Love is pouring from His hands, from His brow

Love is near, it satisfies...

Streams of mercy flowing from His side

Cause love is here.

Starting Over and Getting Lost

It's a new week. I went to LA/OC this past weekend to get away from the Bay. It was nice to be in the warm sun and to spend some quality time with good friends. I got lost running around Pasadena and ended up running 11-12 miles are so. I kind of liked being lost. I would've run a lot more, but I had to be back by a certain time

To be honest, I'm not really sure what to write about or how to start. This whole starting over thing kind of sucks. I know it's the right thing, there's no doubt but I'm just not sure how to proceed with my life right now. I get sad from time to time, but I'm not devastated or breaking down. I didn't think I would be. I feel really lost. I had/have all these plans of moving forward, focusing on my dissertation, spending time in the Word, repairing my soul, but so far it seems I've been getting lost everywhere. I can't seem to get past the first few paragraphs of my dissertation because I keep getting lost in my thoughts. Ironically, I'm writing about rumination. If only, I could stop ruminating myself. I also keep getting lost in my Bible. I'm finding that reading the Bible is like writing a dissertation-there are so many chapters and sometimes I just stare at it and think "I just can't". I'm having a really hard time concentrating all around.

What's interesting is that at any given moment, I'm not really sure how I'll feel. This isn't because I don't feel anything at all, but more because I feel all sorts of things. I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel regretful, I feel hopeful, I feel disappointed and discouraged, I feel okay and then it starts all over again. I guess it's an improvement from my last break up where I felt nothing for an entire month and then when I finally started feeling things, I was so scared that I just shut it all off...that manifested really well for the next few years. One thing is for sure, I feel loss-a strange void that won't go away. It feels like this huge part of me is missing and when I explore what it is, I know it's the part that I gave away. When you make a choice to love someone, you give a piece of yourself away and when things don't work out, you want that piece back, but you can't really get it back. There are so many moments when I wish I could just forget.

I sit with people almost everyday. I learn about their lives and I journey with them for the next few months not always by choice, but because I have to. Thus far in my career, I've lost two people. One I barely felt, the other I let myself grieve for because I walked with him for many months and then had the privilege of being there to the very last moments before he died. I don't know if I kept going because I had to or because I didn't really let myself experience the loss. Maybe I didn't give a piece of myself away. It's different taking in what people tell you rather than giving parts of yourself away like you do in a relationship. Some patients, I really do love and then there are those patients where I just can't because if I did, it'd be hard to do my job.

People say to take it one day at a time and that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do what I need to get done, I'm trying to focus on God and the things He has for me in this life. I want to be better and I want to push through, but I confess there are a lot of moments when I just can't. Instead, I'll look for a distraction. I know He wants to help me feel whole again and fill my soul, but I confess that more often than not, I sit there and think "I just can't right now". I know it's the only place I can go and so I'll just keep trying because I know even when I can't, it's still okay.

Painfully Right

“I have heard it said that the longest journey in life is from the head to the heart. Another way to say the same thing is that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. Yet another aphorism of our time is that beginning well is a momentary thing; finishing well is a lifelong thing. All of these point to one reality—our knowledge and our response are not always in keeping with each other.” Ravi Zacharias

It has been a really hard two weeks for me. I’m the type to feel things intensely yet at the same time ignore such feelings. I rationalize and think because I don't want to make impulsive decisions and commitments. My close friends can easily attest to how I default to invoking logic to my decision making process before I'd ever consider my heart or gut. I think its because I’m aware of just how uncertain emotions can be and how they can be deceiving and so I’m extra cautious that I don’t act on my heart or gut about things. Instead, I try to make sense out of things and do what makes sense. I just get so worried that I would act foolishly or unwisely. Interestingly, this has been the most consistent critique I’ve received from my clinical supervisor at the hospital. “Grace, you’re a competent clinician but you need to trust your heart on things and put yourself out there during session. You hesitate or submit to convention a little too often.” It is definitely one of the markers of a master clinician they just seem to have a way of knowing.

In this case, I did just seem to have a way of knowing. I've known for over a year, but I just had a hard time trusting it. It was this strange feeling that had become all too familiar. It would often come during my 9 mile deliberations with God...back and forth, "is this the one? I want it to be. Please, I can't go back out there, please just let it be the one". It wasn't and I knew, but it was so hard to accept and when I finally realized, I felt like I was making the hardest decision of my life. I wanted it to be enough. I wanted to be okay with what I had and not want more, but I did want more. What I was most afraid of is that I would never be able to find "more" and so I wanted to be okay with enough. "It's good enough, please make me okay with good enough or please make this more".

I prayed so hard for the moment, and then it just kind of came...the conviction. I know I did the right thing. I know it was the right thing because it was so painful and the more painful it was, the more I knew it was the right thing. I really didn't want to, but I knew I had to. I know I was never made to just be okay with enough, but I think I just wished I was.

They say the first day is the hardest. I woke up kind of forgetting it happened, but then I remembered. So I spent my entire morning sitting in front of my very broken dissertation being very broken. I'd breathe, type a few lines, and then go back to being broken all over again. I know it's okay to be kind of a mess, but it just feels so painful...and the more painful, the more I know that it's the right thing.